All the pain I’ve shouldered over the last two years was my father’s penance to witness in his afterlife, but one thing I’m certain of is that he’s shouldered me through all of it.
Alice is to me like a soft spirit, and the metaphysical embodiment of the life I deserve—what I wanted for my daughter is what I’m claiming for my inner child sorta thing—but I’ve felt a strong, steady presence in my darkest, most alone times. My grandfather and my dad. One who would’ve been a year older tomorrow, and the latter which I celebrated for the first time today.
I’ve been told before not to place these two men within the same sentence, but the truth to me is that they both loved me. And I’m not a terrible person because my dad was. In fact, I finally learned from generations worth of nuclear level fuck ups.
The list of people to thank is long, but I’ll tell you, between those two men and the incredible people I share my life with today, I’m never really alone.
Everyone on planet earth carries their own set of demons, but I believe that once we cross over, we grow in knowledge and depth. We gain the insight we lacked. We see all perspectives, and we find peace within it.
I’ve managed to mend my relationship with my dad since his death, which naturally didn’t come without a fight until I realized that what I truly sought was safety and connection. He couldn’t provide those during his lifetime, yet we somehow found ourselves on the other side of a massive turning point in my own life which I gratefully attribute to the parts of me that do ressemble my dad, but in an educated way.
It makes so much sense to me now how I doubled-down on the demise of my marriage after he passed—my dad could see what was ahead and he held my hand every step of the way. I know that’s not what he wanted for me—to watch a man repeat his same mistakes—but I can tell now that the journey was worth it.
I imagine my grandfather has been there to walk him through becoming a guide, and today into tomorrow is a time for me to reflect on their impacts, celebrating with nothing but joy, love and pride for who I became thanks to them.
So happy birthday to my guardians. I love you both.