Learning narcissism.

I'll always remember the first time I heard the word narcissism. I was with my then-husband and his aunt—we'd just put Thomas down in his crib and I was carrying Benji in my tummy. We were gathered around the dinner table of our basement apartment, trying to piece together the puzzle of a family conflict that erupted shortly after Thomas was born.

She explained to us the two Ps: pity or praise, a telltale sign of whether you're dealing with a narcissist. I remember vividly the strengthening of our trauma bond as my ex & I came to realize we were both raised by one. It remains one of the most validating moments I've ever had to finally become aware of a real word that existed to define my experience, and what a blessing it felt like to know that I wasn't facing this monster alone.

What hadn't occurred to me then was the outcome of being raised by a narcissist on ourselves. We both knew the feeling of having a mother who's incapable of taking accountability all too well, but one of us was told by their parent that they were a true reflection of every good thing they'd ever done, whereas the other—me—was consistently reminded of the burden of their existence.

I'm still unlearning so much about who I thought my partner was, it actually feels like a lifetime's worth of work to be done. But what I have learned is this: the only kind of man willing to damage the mother of his children's reputation while still sleeping with her is a narcissist. The only kind of man who allows for his children to experience a mother in distress by his inaction is not much of a man at all.

I used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't speak ill about my kids' father, just as my mom did—that I'd be able to lead an honest life without having to expose tangible facts. Meanwhile, he was going above and beyond to spread salacious lies about me, all in an effort to maintain control over my own narrative. I'll bet it's difficult to accept for those following along who were manipulated that my loose screws are that way on purpose.

It's nice to have your attention (not really), but the real reason I'm doing all of this (and I've said it since the beginning) is to show that you too can outgrow yourself. You have agency over your own life, no matter what anyone tries to convince you of. If you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of being gaslit to the point of thinking you're the narcissist, just ask yourself if you've ever gone out of your way to make someone feel like they couldn't accomplish something.

I understand now that if we want people to come to us with hard conversations even though they're scared, we have to be the kind of people who have the hard conversations, even though we're scared. So just know that I am in fact very scared every time I share, and I try to stuff it all down because I still worry (despite my best efforts) about how speaking up makes others feel, but the truth being uncomfortable simply isn't a good enough reason to stay silent anymore.